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(Part 9xv of 11)
In my brief time in this life, I am remembering and relying on certain truths about relationships that have never failed. This is not the sum total of my understandings about relationships. I am only focusing on one aspect. That aspect is expressed in the title of this message and will now be simply explained.
When meeting a “new” person:
1. By the end of the first three interactions, a baseline is formed. This initial period must be treated in a manner so as not to quickly conclude something negatively or positively, instead one should remain as neutral as possible. This is pointed out because we tend to allow preconceived notions, experiences and expectations to skew our perceptions of early interactions. If something is seriously not gelling, your spirit may or not have put up a flashing yellow light. If it does, then of course that means slow down and proceed with caution. It does not mean stop or be afraid. It means be more alert to the reality rather than to what you hope might be.Of course, a red light or stop sign at any point must be obeyed. It means something's not right with you or them, thus the relationship is not worth it. On the other hand, a green light does not mean it's safe to proceed. It means continue to look both ways and proceed confidently and defensively according to the set of conditions.
2. By the end of three months, if something is amiss, you'll have some indication. Be certain to understand that just because something seems amiss doesn't mean it is. Secondly, just because something seems to contradict, doesn't mean the person is trying to be deceitful. This is when we should ask for clarification and revisit topics and discussions to make sure what the person is saying and displaying over a range of interactions is the same as what you are understanding.
3. By the end of six months, you should have confirmation.
4. By the end of twelve months, if none of the above has taken place, one of three things will be true.
a) You have not had enough interactions.
b) You have not had enough truthful interactions about what you think, what you know and what you believe.
c) There's nothing major to worry about.
d) One year is a long time and enough time. It is extreme to go two years and the nature of a relationship, its current level or its potential level is unclear. This means something is wrong somewhere somehow with you, the other person and with your interactions. The investigation must be centered around self. Once you become clear about yourself, then you can compare that to the other person and your interactions.
5. Most people can fake the funk for about three to six months, but after that, if they are being deceitful, they will have forgotten earlier deceits and will begin to contradict themselves as to who they want you to think they are and who they really are. See #2 above.
6. All is not lost if everything is not grits and gravy. It will just let you know what kind and what level of relationship is possible.
7. This entire learning curve can be shortened and strengthened by being ourselves and speaking plainly and directly. We should not just say things and edit ourselves to appear a certain way. We should not not say something because we have somehow pre-concluded that the person won't like it. One way is to avoid asking one question in order to answer another unspoken question. This indirect method of interacting is not only deceitful, it often causes us to deceive ourselves. Another common example is, if you are a person who feels comfortable cursing, and it obviously bothers the other person. Of course you can try to curb it, but if you're only doing it to appease the other person, that won't lead to a good outcome unless you've determined that you want to change for yourself and your own reasons. We can list a ton of things we do in any kind of relationship, personal, business, platonic, romantic, etc. that amounts to not being who we really are or who we want to be. This then leads to the number one way to know what level of relationship is possible.
8. Work on self. Continuously get to know self better.
9. Not all relationships of the same type are of the same level. When we consider some relationships as being “closer” than others, that's the same thing as a different level. Yes, we already know this based on family relationships, other personal relationships and business relationships. With some people the level is at zero, even in our own families, and with some people the level is at 100. Most of the time the level is somewhere in between. Also, as we know, relationships are living organic beings, always changing, thus sometimes they grow and increase and sometimes they grow and decrease. Thus as we know some relationships can be at zero for a long time and then rise. And some can be at a certain level for a long time, and then fall a great deal. All this is okay. Let the relationship be what it will be by letting each other be who you are.
The nature of all our relationships is best understood and judged by what is happening with our own evolutionary process overall and also in specific areas. Thus then, almost always, the degree to which a relationship exists at the appropriate level is determined by the degree to which our knowledge of self is at the appropriate level.
10. Two common problems areas:
a) when we are more mature in some ways and areas and less mature in other ways. This then causes us to think greater maturity in one area covers us or makes up for less maturity in another area. Thus then we often mistake intellectual growth or financial growth or career growth as evidence we are mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready for certain types of relationships or increases in the current level of relationships.
b) with this in mind, romantic relationships and friend relationships often trip us up because we use them to make up for deficits or imbalances in 10a above. This we often do subconsciously, while at the same time consciously expecting those relationships to be stronger than they can possibly be. We think like a fool, play the fool and become the fool. The relationship cannot be more than the basis upon which it is built. And this is why, a romantic relationship not built on friendship can never reach the 100% level, unless both persons acknowledge the limitations and set that limitation as the extent of the relationship.
c) Finally, what is learned in 10a-b above can be applied to any relationship.
11. These understandings have come back into the forefront of my memory through much trial, error and tribulation. I did not wake up one day and come into the knowledge of these truths. Instead, seeking truths led me to these understandings which have helped me wake up to reality and illusion.
12. Lastly, what we must keep in mind, is that just because relationships don't work out doesn't mean either person is good or bad. What it means is that the interaction is incompatible. Both people are equally responsible doing their part to help it work and doing their part to keep the relationship on track and doing their part to identify when a change is necessary.
People will always tell us the truth of who they are, even when they are trying to hide it. We are deceived when we give too much credence, credit and weight to one aspect such as what they say or what they do or what they look like or what they got, etc.
